So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
