Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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