At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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