Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
