I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
