The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
