either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
