I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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