He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
