It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
