Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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