I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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