I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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