Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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