This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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