i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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