Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
