I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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