can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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