I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
