Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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