I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
