I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
