he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
