i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
