she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
