i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
