I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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