spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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