He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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