I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
