At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
