oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
