I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
