Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Girls should come with a carfax report
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
