I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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