he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm getting married
To pizza
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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