I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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