Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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