Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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