Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
