Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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