Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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