Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
