Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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