i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm so fucking centered right now
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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