How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
