Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
