You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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