i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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