The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
